I Understand Why This Can Be So Hard

The experiences are so innumerable and varied, that the journey appears to be interminable and the Destination is ever out of sight. But the wonder of it is, when at last you reach your Destination you find that you have never traveled at all! It was a journey from here to Here. ~Meher Baba

Why Is This So Hard For Me?

I had to really think about why this is so hard for me. What is it that allows me to back slide, give up, give in and fail? The truth is I'm scared. Scared, not that I'll fail, but instead that I'll succeed! How catch-22 circular is that though?

Right now, I sit in comfort knowing I have done and accomplished so much. I have inspired and continue to inspire a few friends who I hold dear. Yet I have not reached my goals yet and I do not know if I can. I know how I want to look. I know what I want to be able to do physically. I know how far I want to push myself. How I want to reach a point where I can look at any challenging opportunity and take it on full force! Giving my all and, in the very least, finishing and following through with everything I attempt! I want to be the adventurer that lives inside my heart. And through all this achievement I want more than anything to inspire and  lead others to reach for goals they push aside as impossible. I want to remove the word NEVER from my vocabulary. I want my love and strength to be an infectious disease that I am consumed with and that others who are near to me cannot help but feel consumed by as well.

And it all seems like such a beautifully challenging dream. Yet I'm scared of it all the same.

I watch people covering their social media sites, like FaceBook, Tumblr and LiveJournal, with posts against the very thing I want most to be. I see the obesescentric society in which I live and I begin to wonder if accomplishing my goals will remove me from the very people I so want to inspire and infect. People I want to inspire, not because they are fat and I think they should change. No, that is not the point at all. Instead I see people I want to inspire to remove NEVER from their vocabulary as well. People who question their beauty daily and set limits on themselves without even trying. People who post images of heavy-set women and say, "see this woman is beautiful so why can't I be?" I want them to know the answer to that beauty question does not lay outside of their own hearts. I want them to SEE their beauty for all it is and not allow the fear-machine that is society to influence their own hearts.

So I'm scared. Scared that a society that has kept us in fear of our beauty will help push me away from those I love as I start to find my way and meet the goals I have set for me. And the even more daunting piece is, what if none of this happens?

What if I meet all my challenges and I inspire so many and they find their hearts and their beauty? What if I then lose it all and slip back to where I am now? If this happens then I can't ever slip backwards though. I can't ever stop putting forth the effort and meeting all the challenges I take on! Once I let go of NEVER I can't embrace it's return, no matter how much I want to let it fall upon my lips again.








The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. 
~Lao Tzu








Once I reach the level I want I am going to have to continue on at that level everyday, pushing myself and challenging myself constantly. I won't be able to give up. I won't be able to fail. Because I know, where I want to go, is to the top of that mountain called self-worth. And I know, that when you get there, it is not Heaven - it is Hell. I cannot just bathe myself in milk and honey and lay back in relaxation and let everything take care of itself. No, not at all. Were I am working to go is treacherous and dangerous! At any time a strong wind can come by and blow me right off that mountaintop and send me crashing back to NEVERland. I know, deep in my heart, that reaching that peak leaves me walking a tightrope between peaks; forever.

Yet I also know, from the small amount I have accomplished so far, I have never been happier and that the view from those peaks is going to be spectacular! So spectacular I can't wait to see what I find different on the top of each one of them. What new piece of me is awakened. What new eruption of life, love and happiness I will find!!!

This journey is going to be worth it and I know this is going to be hard; but I also know anything worth having is!

~TigressSky~

Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which 
one undertakes and continues the journey. ~Alex Noble

Hurdle Jumping Time!

I saw this post in one of the Spark People forums and the ideal the message was written with inspired me. Let me share the message with you first and then I'll get to the inspirational point.

I Understand Why This Can Be So Hard 

"To lose the weight would mean to allow myself to hurt. To lose weight would mean not numbing myself anymore. It would mean experiencing pain to its maximum. It would also mean experiencing happiness. I tend to forget.

My weight is a barrier between me and others. I've allowed it to define me because I am afraid of defining myself- and being disappointed. To lose weight would mean to experience. To lose the weight would mean to break down the walls that have protected me for so long.

To lose weight also means living in the present. To accept failures and go for successes. It would mean leaving the realm of "When I lose weight" and enter that of "Today I will".

It is difficult to be thinner because it would entail living. And life is scary. And life can hurt. But I will find the strength to lose this safety net I have made of my body and allow myself to be for the first time in a while ..."

by SparkPeople member SOUKICAVILL

My Inspiration

After reading this I recognized that Soukicavill has created a tool for herself. She has just created a personal "listing" of hurdles that keep her from losing the fat she longs to be rid of. She has stopped to think about what it is that keeps her from succeeding. She has found those fear triggers that keep us from trying, challenging our self and succeeding. In essence she acknowledges how scary change is. She also acknowledges how wonderfully happy change can make her - life is change. Most importantly she has written, with recognition, that she is ultimately responsible for staying "fat" and only she can make the fearful changes that will offer her the happiness she longs for in the end.

This piece, to me, is simply brilliant.

Now, the personal sentiments Soukicavill states as to why she is not achieving her goals are not the same as mine at all. Food is, at times emotional support for me, but those moments are few and far between.  What this piece has offered to me though is the desire to find and document my own fears. This way I can know the hurdles I need to get over and be better prepared to JUMP!

  Let's Write!

So, what I am suggesting is that we all take a moment to write a piece just like this. Something that helps us find our hurdles and figure out how to jump them. Something we can look to during those times that begin to try our will power and cause us to crash back into old exhaustive habits. Then perhaps, months or years down the road, we can look back at them and say, "look at all that I have overcome to get to where I am today!"

Yeah, that's the ticket! So, what do you say? Will you take this challenge with me? Will you sit for a moment and spend some time find those fears and challenges that are holding you back from reaching your goals, write down these hurdles and then prepare yourself to spend this year JUMPING with me?

~TigressSky~