I Understand Why This Can Be So Hard

The experiences are so innumerable and varied, that the journey appears to be interminable and the Destination is ever out of sight. But the wonder of it is, when at last you reach your Destination you find that you have never traveled at all! It was a journey from here to Here. ~Meher Baba

Why Is This So Hard For Me?

I had to really think about why this is so hard for me. What is it that allows me to back slide, give up, give in and fail? The truth is I'm scared. Scared, not that I'll fail, but instead that I'll succeed! How catch-22 circular is that though?

Right now, I sit in comfort knowing I have done and accomplished so much. I have inspired and continue to inspire a few friends who I hold dear. Yet I have not reached my goals yet and I do not know if I can. I know how I want to look. I know what I want to be able to do physically. I know how far I want to push myself. How I want to reach a point where I can look at any challenging opportunity and take it on full force! Giving my all and, in the very least, finishing and following through with everything I attempt! I want to be the adventurer that lives inside my heart. And through all this achievement I want more than anything to inspire and  lead others to reach for goals they push aside as impossible. I want to remove the word NEVER from my vocabulary. I want my love and strength to be an infectious disease that I am consumed with and that others who are near to me cannot help but feel consumed by as well.

And it all seems like such a beautifully challenging dream. Yet I'm scared of it all the same.

I watch people covering their social media sites, like FaceBook, Tumblr and LiveJournal, with posts against the very thing I want most to be. I see the obesescentric society in which I live and I begin to wonder if accomplishing my goals will remove me from the very people I so want to inspire and infect. People I want to inspire, not because they are fat and I think they should change. No, that is not the point at all. Instead I see people I want to inspire to remove NEVER from their vocabulary as well. People who question their beauty daily and set limits on themselves without even trying. People who post images of heavy-set women and say, "see this woman is beautiful so why can't I be?" I want them to know the answer to that beauty question does not lay outside of their own hearts. I want them to SEE their beauty for all it is and not allow the fear-machine that is society to influence their own hearts.

So I'm scared. Scared that a society that has kept us in fear of our beauty will help push me away from those I love as I start to find my way and meet the goals I have set for me. And the even more daunting piece is, what if none of this happens?

What if I meet all my challenges and I inspire so many and they find their hearts and their beauty? What if I then lose it all and slip back to where I am now? If this happens then I can't ever slip backwards though. I can't ever stop putting forth the effort and meeting all the challenges I take on! Once I let go of NEVER I can't embrace it's return, no matter how much I want to let it fall upon my lips again.








The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. 
~Lao Tzu








Once I reach the level I want I am going to have to continue on at that level everyday, pushing myself and challenging myself constantly. I won't be able to give up. I won't be able to fail. Because I know, where I want to go, is to the top of that mountain called self-worth. And I know, that when you get there, it is not Heaven - it is Hell. I cannot just bathe myself in milk and honey and lay back in relaxation and let everything take care of itself. No, not at all. Were I am working to go is treacherous and dangerous! At any time a strong wind can come by and blow me right off that mountaintop and send me crashing back to NEVERland. I know, deep in my heart, that reaching that peak leaves me walking a tightrope between peaks; forever.

Yet I also know, from the small amount I have accomplished so far, I have never been happier and that the view from those peaks is going to be spectacular! So spectacular I can't wait to see what I find different on the top of each one of them. What new piece of me is awakened. What new eruption of life, love and happiness I will find!!!

This journey is going to be worth it and I know this is going to be hard; but I also know anything worth having is!

~TigressSky~

Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which 
one undertakes and continues the journey. ~Alex Noble